Teenage Nervous Breakdown
by themooseofsatan
Summary: In which Alison falls for the star of the football team and Sarah can't help but meddle while dealing with her own share of issues. Drama ensues. High School AU
1. Chapter 1

Sarah Manning was never a big fan of high school, but lately she definitely enjoyed being there more than she did before. Now that most of her time was occupied by hanging out with this bunch of dorks she called her best friends, it was easier and time didn't seem to stand still.  
She glanced at the people gathered around the cafeteria table and sighed. Currently one of the dorks, namely Cosima, attempted to feed the other dork, also known as Rachel, something that looked like a sandwich with french fries inside it, and Rachel was fighting like her life depended on it.

It was a strange relationship, those two. They had exactly one thing in common, their love of science. Besides that, they couldn't be more different. Some bonding happened while they were partners on some project, now Rachel became a part of their group and everyone simply accepted that as if she was always there.  
Rachel could seem sort of scary, well not to Sarah of course, because she was afraid of no one, but to any other random person. She definitely has that intimidating sort of personality, her face always screams, 'I'm better than you'. But their little club knows better, she is in fact an enormous nerd and they love and accept her and her Bump n' Grind ringtone.

Then there was Helena, Sarah's twin sister. She sat at the table, her full attention devoted to a big cup of jello. She was very childlike most of the time, being raised the way she was Sarah was not very surprised or judgemental for that matter. Mrs S found Helena when they were twelve, before that they didn't even know about each other's existence. She took Helena away from her abusive foster family and adopted her, just like she did with Sarah and her foster brother Felix.  
And finally, Alison Hendrix. A strange person, but definitely not the strangest one in their group. Obsessed with theatre, and-

"Hey, Sarah?"

Alison's voice interrupted the monologue inside her head, reminding her she's not currently in a prologue of a book. Of course. That would be ridiculous, but hey, it's fun to pretend sometimes.  
Okay, maybe she fit in with those dorks just fine. She's just never admitting that.

"Yeah?"

Alison cleared her throat before looking around to check if anyone was paying attention. Rachel and Cosima were talking about biology homework and Helena had eyes only for her food. Once she decided it was safe, she finally spoke.

"Will you come to the football game with me today?"

"I'm sorry, what?" Sarah blinked, confused. Alison Hendrix. Football game. What?

"Okay, that's fine," scoffed Alison, waving her hand dismissively. "It's not a big deal. I'll just- Yeah. It's okay."

"Wait, Alison, slow down," Sarah grabbed her hand to stop her from accidentally sticking it in her cup of hot tea. "I didn't say no. Just… why are you interested in football all of a sudden?"

"I'm just, you know, trying to get more involved in the school life? Why would there be any other reason? Don't be ridiculous. There's not."

Okay. That was not suspicious at all.

"Alright," Sarah nodded, deciding not to say anything right now. She would find out what was this about sooner or later. Sooner, probably. Alison was not the best liar.

Then, as if powers that be were surprisingly kind to her today, she noticed Alison's expression go through a lot of changes in under two seconds. Her eyes widened and she nervously bit her lip before the worry on her face transformed into a huge grin.  
Sarah followed her gaze and there it was. The reason for Alison's weirdness. The star of the football team - Elizabeth Childs.

"Hi, Alison."

Sarah has never ever even once seen the other girl look so unsure but happy at the same time. She raised an eyebrow, looking up at Beth who stopped near their table and was currently smiling at her friend.  
Alison on the other hand seemed to be completely frozen, staring at Beth as if she was some kind of an exceptional exhibit at a museum. She tried to, as discreetly as she could, get Alison's brain working again, so she kicked her under the table.

Alison jumped up a little in her chair, shooting daggers towards Sarah before turning to Beth, who observed the whole exchange with an amused look.

"Hello, Beth."

Beth, Sarah noticed, was just as nervous as Alison. She was way too fidgety for a person that was a hundred percent calm. Right now she was absentmindedly playing with the bottom of her sweatshirt. Sarah smirked. They were both screwed.

"So," Beth started, not breaking eye contact with Alison for even a moment. "See you at the game tonight. You'll be there, right?"

"Yeah," Alison immediately answered, nodding definitely too much for a casual answer. "Sure. I'll be there. Wouldn't miss it."

"Great," Beth smiled again, and it was the most horrible, love-sick smile Sarah has ever seen in her life. "Uh, anyway, I have to go. Bye!"

No, a correction.

Alison smiled back at her and IT was the most horrible, love-sick smile Sarah has ever seen in her life. Or both. They were both awful and sickening and she had to do something about it before she got cavities in all of her teeth from all the sugar pouring out of them.  
She sighed, reaching for her cup of coffee.

"What?" Alison narrowed her eyes at her.

"Nothing," she shrugged. Oh it was definitely something. And it was only going to get worse from there.

—-

Yes, Sarah did have a reputation of being a somewhat rebellious individual, she was a punk, she wore leather jackets and listened to The Clash. But she also cared about her friends and their happiness. This is why she was here, on a Friday afternoon, sitting on the bleachers staring at people throwing a ball to each other.

It was not the most fascinating thing for her to be doing, but Alison was beyond happy. She intently observed Beth's every move and cheered loudly when she scored points (at least that's what Sarah assumed was happening since her football knowledge was somewhat limited).

"So, Alison," She leaned back in her seat and attempted to get her friend's attention. "Beth Childs, huh?"

"What?" hearing Beth's name, Alison immediately turned to Sarah, blushing slightly.

"She's a good player. Isn't she?"

"Yeah," Alison nodded, that stupid smile appearing on her face again. "She's the best."

She quickly turned back again, not wanting to miss a second of the game. Sarah sighed, watching her excitedly jump up and down as Beth did something probably very amazing and spectacular. _The things I do for you, Alison._

Beth's team ended up winning the game. Sarah had to admit that after she got over the initial aversion to sports she actually started paying attention. They were good. It also meant that Sarah had the opportunity to steer the events in the right direction. Not wasting much time she grabbed Alison's hand and headed down towards the winning team.

"What are you doing?"

"Come on, Alison. They won," Sarah grinned, pulling her through the crowd. "Don't you want to congratulate them?"

"I don't think that's a good i-" Alison was cut off by the sudden stop.

"Hey, Childs!" Sarah yelled, waving her hand. "Good game!"

Beth turned around to find the person calling her. Noticing Sarah and Alison she brightened up, walking up to them. She was visibly tired which was understandable, she just ran around a field for two hours. She looked as happy as Alison though and didn't seem to mind the company.

"Thanks! I'm glad you could make it."

"I-, um, we wouldn't miss it." Alison spoke quietly, earning an eyebrow raise from Sarah. Alison Hendrix being shy, now that view was worth sitting through that damn ball throwing competition.

"Yeah, it was great," She patted Alison's back so hard the girl almost fell over. "She was freaking out the entire time, you've got a hardcore fan here."

"I like football." Her friend's face now resembled a tomato and Beth looked like Christmas just came early this year.

"I'm really happy you do."

Sarah expected the conversation to move along after some help from her but they stared at each other with stupid looks on their faces, just like in some kind of a cheesy movie. _Those idiots are helpless, I swear. Why do I bother?_  
But she did bother, and maybe she didn't run around shitting rainbows all the time but deep down she actually cared. Fortunately, another idea popped into her head.

"Oh crap, sorry Alison," she did her best to made it look like she just remembered something important and look genuinely apologetic.

"What is it?" The couple broke their staring contest to find out what happened.

"I forgot I was supposed to go pick up some stuff for Mrs S." Sarah hoped she seemed credible. "Are you coming with me or do you want to stay longer?"

"Well," Alison hesitated for a second before replying. "You're my ride, I don't have much choice."

And then Beth did exactly what Sarah predicted she would.

"I can drive you home."

"Great!" exclaimed Sarah, patting Alison's shoulder. Everything was going exactly the way she planned it. "See you tomorrow then."

Walking away she felt a strange sense of accomplishment.

She didn't see or hear from Alison for the rest of the weekend. She didn't think much about it, blissfully unaware of what was going to happen once she got to school on Monday.

Alison spent a good hour dramatically staring out the window, resembling a kicked puppy more than an actual human being. Sighing, Sarah followed her out of the classroom. She wasn't sure she wanted to know what happened, knowing Alison it really could be anything but she had a bad feeling it might have something to do with her sneaky Friday plan.

Watching Alison's distress she felt uncomfortable but didn't approach her. Not yet. She wouldn't talk to her in school anyway. For a moment she thought maybe Cosima would be a better choice here, but ultimately came to the conclusion that there's a chance she didn't want anyone to know.  
Besides, maybe it was nothing. Maybe she lost her favorite pen. She was definitely the kind of person who would have a favorite pen.

The illusion she attempted to temporarily create for herself was shattered when she noticed Beth walking towards her friend. When Alison spotted her, she quickly grabbed a book from her locker and practically ran away in the other direction.  
Yeah.  
It was definitely last Friday. She will be having a talk with Alison after school.

There was no talking after school though because Alison left as fast as she could, giving Sarah no chance to catch up with her.

"What's wrong with her?" asked Cosima, confused at their friend's strange behavior.

Sarah just shrugged. She will get it out of her, but for now no one needs to know anything, it would only upset her more.  
She got into her car and didn't even bother driving home, she headed straight to Alison's house. Her meddling created an issue and she had to deal with it, she couldn't leave Alison alone now.

"My life was so easy before I met those little shits," she muttered under her breath, parking outside Alison's home.

Maybe it was not easy but it was indeed much simpler. It didn't mean it was better though and Sarah knew that. She could complain about them all the time but deep down she was incredibly grateful to have them, even it it caused some trouble every now and then.

"Besides, Sarah," she continued her thought out loud. "You got her into this, now you have to make it better."

—-

"I habacuonEth," Alison wailed, a mix of tears and make-up streaming down her face.

"Okay, hold up, I don't speak hysterical. What was that again?"

"I have a crush on Beth!" she yelled and cried even harder, hiding her face under the covers.

"I know."

Alison stopped lamenting and slowly peeked from behind her awfully pink blanket. She looked like a very confused Marilyn Manson look-alike.

"You do?"

"Yeah," Sarah nodded. "I mean, that's why you wanted to go to the football game, right?"

Alison stared at her for a moment before frowning. _Uh-oh. And now I've made it worse._ Sarah thought and braced herself for what was going to happen in the next ten seconds.

"I am not a gay, Sarah!" And it happened. The gay panic. _Great, see what you get for meddling, you shithead?_ "Did you think I was gay? Do I look like a homosexual to you?"

"It's not like that, Alison, come on!" she grabbed the girl by the shoulders and attempted to make her stop shaking. "First, you do not 'look like a homosexual'. I assumed you liked Beth because you made googly eyes at her all the time."

"I did? Oh no, I did." she was interrupted by Alison's panic rising back up. "Do you think she noticed?"

"No, I don't think she did, she was too busy staring right back at you. And second, there's no looking like a homosexual. What did you think the first time you saw Cosima or Rachel?"

"Well, Cosima does has that alternative sort of look-" Suddenly her eyes widened in surprise. "Rachel's gay?"

"See, you didn't even know about that. Why? Because it's not important, Alison. We hate Rachel because she's annoying, not because she's gay."

Alison gave her a strange look. "You don't hate Rachel. I saw you two smoking together behind the school last week. You seemed pretty friendly."

Sarah's face turned slightly pink at the memory of that day. She just hoped Alison will be too concerned with her Beth problem to question her on it. "Okay, I don't hate her… much."

"Also, smoking, what is that, Sarah, I don't approve of that. Do you know how many people die from lung cancer every year? Beth said-" She stopped, remembering the reason of her meltdown. "Oh no. What do I do now?"

"Let's start with calming down, okay? Breathe."

"Okay. Fine. I can do that."

Sarah knew the feeling of relief was only temporary, crisis was averted but just for now. Now that she started this whole mess, as much as it pained her to admit it, it was her responsibility to unmess it.

"Great, now tell me exactly what happened."

—-

An hour later Sarah managed to get the story out of Alison. Once she began, her job was mostly nodding and handing her tissues.

"-and then I walked into the house and everything is shit!"

"That's it?" Sarah stared at her with a blank look on her face. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore and Alison seemed more freaked out with every second.

"What do you mean, 'that's it'? This is huge!"

Sarah dodged a hand flying dangerously close to her face. "Please stop gesticulating so violently."

"I can't do that, Sarah, I can't. I am having a crisis here!"

"So you guys talked and she drove you home, that's pretty normal behavior if you ask me."

"That is so not what this is about," Alison huffed impatiently, crossing her arms. "I mean, what would you do if one day you realized you have a crush on Cosima or Rachel?"

_Well, that's a funny story._ Sarah decided to choose an answer wisely, it was not the time for that. _Why does everything keep going back to that damn nerd?_

"Alison, I understand that you're confused. Scared. But-" she held up a hand to stop her from interrupting. "But you need to ask yourself this question. Do you like Beth enough to get over the fact that she's a girl? Do you see yourself holding hands with her on the street, giving her good luck kisses before football games, being with her like you would with a boyfriend? Is all that okay with you?"

After a moment of silence Alison finally spoke.

"Wow, Sarah."

"What?"

"That was… actually helpful," she smiled. "I honestly didn't expect that from you."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"No, really. You are helping me a lot. I don't know how I would deal with this alone." Alison smiled for the first time since that stupid game and Sarah realized she's smiling too. It was disgusting.

"Oh come on, don't get all sappy on me," she patted her on the shoulder. "Besides, you'd figure it out. I just sped up the process."

Suddenly the sound of a text message arriving broke their little bonding moment. Thank god. Sarah reached for her phone to see what was so important.

**_Where are you? R._**

Oh. Not thank god. She got so wrapped up in Alison's situation that she completely forgot about her own. She put the device back in her pocket not even bothering to write back and got up.

"I'm sorry, I need to go take care of something."

Alison just stared at her suspiciously.

"I swear it's real this time." She grabbed her jacket. "But I promise, if you need me, you call me. I may not be the wisest person and I don't seem like the friend you turn to in times of crisis, but I got you into this whole thing and I will help you through it."

"Okay," Alison nodded. "And thanks. I really do appreciate it."

—-

Sarah was a hundred percent sure she drove not only faster than it was allowed but also faster than she should want to. She should not be in a hurry, it's not like she even cared that much. She was always late. Why should this be any different?  
The answer was, it wasn't. She was just feeling very considerate today.  
After a few minutes of repeating this in her head even she stopped believing her own lies. She cared. A little.

Getting out of the car she looked up at the giant tree next to the second floor window. Okay. She was about to actually do this. She cared a lot.  
Making sure that no one is around, she walked up to the tree, trying to find the lowest branch and climb on it. Then the next one and the next one. Just no looking down. The last thing she needed was a broken limb and a commotion. It was bad enough she was even here, she did not want anyone knowing about it.  
She was getting pretty good at this climbing thing and she wasn't even that far away from the window when it happened. She accidentally may have glanced at the grass below her.

_Well shite fuck Rachel you bitch I hate you I hate you so much,_ she clung to the tree, cursing this whole damn Romeo and Juliet type balcony climbing operation. It was great in theory but in reality there was no balcony and she was going to fall and die.

"Rachel," she hissed, trying to simultaneously be as quiet as possible and grab her attention. "Rachel!"

No response. There was no way she could move towards the window without thinking about the high probability of getting herself seriously injured. To hell with subtlety.

"Rachel!" she yelled.

After a few seconds the window opened.

"Sarah?!" Rachel's eyes widened once she noticed the situation the other girl was currently in. "You are such an idiot."

"Yeah? I'm a idiot? You told me I can't wake up your parents and I had to sneak in!"

The blonde rolled her eyes. "How on earth did you come to the conclusion that it meant climb the tree outside my house and get stuck there because you're afraid of heights?"

"That's not important, now shut up and help me!"

"Fine, fine," Rachel leaned further out of the window and reached to grab Sarah's hand. "Please cooperate."

Sarah shifted on the branch, trying to get as close as possible. _Don't look down. Don'tlookdowndon'tlookdown._  
After a few moments of struggling to keep her balance she finally managed to catch Rachel's hand and pull herself up on the window ledge.  
She fell into the room with a loud sigh displaying her discomfort.  
When she looked up, she saw the blonde staring at her with something that could be described as an amused look. It was Rachel though, so really you can never know for sure.

Wasting no time, Sarah quickly stood up and took a step forward, causing her to move backwards. She pushed all of the papers from Rachel's workspace on the floor and not giving her a chance to protest she quickly crashed their lips together. Rachel seemed to immediately forget about the mess, eagerly kissing her back, letting herself be hoisted up on the desk. She wrapped her legs around Sarah's waist, trying to bring her even closer.  
Sarah's mind was completely blank, every time she was near this girl any kind of rational thinking went flying out the window. There was something about her that made her so angry. She was composed, almost emotionless sometimes. She just wanted to make her lose that cool, icy exterior and show that she feels human emotions too.  
When they pulled apart, there was fire in Rachel's eyes.  
Sarah smirked. That's what she liked to see.

She leaned down to place a kiss on her neck but suddenly she was stopped by the sound of her voice.

"Sarah, wait."

When she looked up she saw Rachel's serious expression. "What's wrong?"

"That's not the only reason why I asked you to come here," Rachel gently pushed her away and jumped off the desk. She walked across the room to sit on the bed, motioning for Sarah to join her.

"What's wrong?" She repeated.

Rachel exhaled loudly, she seemed almost… sad? Sarah has never seen Rachel actually sad. She has seen anger, passion, resentment. Never this. Suddenly she felt very uncomfortable. Hesitatingly walking over to where Rachel was sitting, she crossed her arms, speaking again.

"Are you breaking up with me?"

Rachel didn't respond right away. Sarah shifted nervously, still refusing to sit down. The silence was starting to bother her, the only thing that could be heard was the sound of them breathing and the wind outside the window they forgot to close. Then there was the clock ticking on the wall. It was annoying. Sarah scoffed impatiently.

"If you are then just tell me. Don't waste my time."

This appeared to be the right thing to say to get a reaction from the other girl. She looked up at Sarah, again not malicious in any way. It was somewhat unsettling.

"I'm not breaking up with you, Sarah, because there is nothing to break up."

"I don't understand," Sarah shook her head. "What are you saying?"

"This has been… nice, hasn't it?" She didn' wait for Sarah's reply. "And I hate to be the one to burst that bubble we've been in for the past two months, but I need to know this."

The hesitation made Sarah even more nervous. It couldn't be anything good, could it?

"What are we doing? I mean… Where is this going?"

Whatever Sarah was expecting, it was definitely not that question. Not from Rachel. She was the last person would want to know something like that, it was part of the reason why their thing, whatever it was, started in the first place. Rachel was not expecting big romantic gestures. Rachel was not getting emotionally attached. Rachel was safe.  
Well, apparently not anymore.

"I don't know." _Honesty is the best policy, right?_ "I didn't really think about it."

Rachel sighed and grabbing Sarah's hand she pulled her down to sit on the bed next to her.

"I really don't want to put pressure on you, you know I'm not a relationship person either. But as much as it pains me to admit it," she rolled her eyes, trying to fight a smile slowly appearing on her face. "I don't hate you very much anymore. And I want to know how do you feel about all this before I get unnecessarily attached."

This was… good. Probably. Not smothering, gentle poking in the right direction. It should not be scary in theory but in reality it was a lot scary and Sarah's flight instinct was starting to kick in.

"I just want you to think about it, okay?"

Sarah just nodded, finding herself not able to think of any good words to say. She did what she knew best. Distraction.  
Pushing Rachel back on the bed she climbed on top of her, quickly taking her own shirt off, pleased to see the change in her eyes. She was determined to make Rachel forget about her concerns about the future, and it was a good way to stop thinking about the things that made her uncomfortable too.


	2. Chapter 2

Sarah felt someone shaking her but didn't open her eyes. She was still tired and not really willing to wake up yet. Hoping the nuisance will go away if she ignores it, she turned away from the person attempting to force her to acknowledge the fact that it was morning.

"Sarah."

Hearing Rachel's voice, all the events from the night before suddenly came back to her. _Crap, crap, crap. No._  
She was fucked. She was so not ready to have this kind of conversation, especially before noon.

"Wake up." The shaking intensified and the voice got louder. "Wake up, you useless sack of potatoes."

Oh well. Maybe some things never change, no matter how sappy one gets with you. That she could work with.

"No. Come be potatoes with me." Without opening her eyes, Sarah waved her hands around trying to locate the other girl. Sadly, with no good results. After a few seconds she gave up, peeking from under the covers. Rachel was standing on the other side of the bed and she did not look amused.

"I'm glad you're having fun. We're going to miss English." She crossed her arms and frowned. She didn't look very menacing in her flannel pyjamas though. No matter how many times Sarah slept over, she could never get used to that sight.

"Oh no, I'll be a vegetable AND illiterate. How horrifying." She extended her arms again, inviting Rachel back to bed. "Come on, missing one class won't hurt you."

"It might."

"Please? For me."

"That is very not convincing." Rachel walked over to the closet to get herself into her usual robot uniform. That is, a button up shirt and some neatly ironed pants. Sarah was sure that girl would iron socks if she could. She would not go out in wrinkled clothes even if her life depended on it.

Seeing that Rachel is unimpressed, she decided to try a different tactic. Slowly getting up she took off Rachel's old basketball team t-shirt she slept in and poked her shoulder to get her attention.

"How about now?" she grinned, noticing that Rachel appears to be much more interested.

Rachel bit her lip, clearly conflicted about what to do. Sarah knew that she was actually considering it. Rachel might seem like a really enormous goody two shoes nerd but that was not the case at all. She was determined, very ambitious. But after being with her for a while Sarah discovered that she is also pretty adventurous. She's not afraid, she chooses to do certain things because that's what she wants.

Feeling Rachel's hands on her waist she knew she had won. She was just about to close the little distance that was left between them when she heard the door open downstairs and someone yell loudly.

"Rachel!"

They immediately jumped apart.

"Shit, it's Cosima." Rachel hissed, quickly moving across the room and picking up Sarah's clothes scattered around on the floor. "I completely forgot she was picking me up today."

"Oh come on!," Sarah groaned, catching the clothes she tossed at her.

"Don't whine, it's unattractive," Rachel pecked her on the lips. "Now we just need to sneak you out somehow."

"Isn't it a little too late for that? My car is outside your house."

"Damn it, Sarah." Sighing, she headed towards the door. "Just get dressed and come down, I'll think of something."

"Fine." Sarah wanted to complain about certain people not believing in her abilities but Rachel was already gone.

She put on her clothes back, at least those found by Rachel. Her bra and one of her socks was nowhere to be seen. _Okay, there's no time for that. I just hope Rachel's dad won't find it._ She shuddered at the thought. She met her parents only once, since they worked a lot and were gone most of the time. Even when they were home they rarely came upstairs. The one time they chose to do it, Rachel had her legs wrapped around Sarah's waist and they were on their way to the desk, which was clearly Sarah's favorite piece of furniture. When the door opened they froze like that in the middle of the room.

"Hello Mrs and Mr Duncan. I'm Sarah." She told them. "We're practising ballroom dancing. It's for school."

She had no idea why she let the first words that popped into her head leave her mouth but the look Rachel's father gave her was enough for her to never want to repeat this kind of situation ever again.

Walking down the stairs she heard Rachel and Cosima talking. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, no questions about what Sarah is doing at her house at 7.30am. _What the hell did Rachel say to her?_

"Oh, hey Sarah." Cosima smirked, seeing her appear in the kitchen.

"Did you find your phone?" Rachel asked, turning her back to Cosima and signalizing for her to play along.

"Uh," It took her a second to catch on. "Yeah. I've got it."

"Great, we can all go to school now," Cosima looked incredibly pleased for some reason. "I'm glad you finally decided to give science a chance, Sarah."

When she headed towards the exit Sarah grabbed Rachel's elbow and whispered. "What did you tell her?"

"I was helping you with chemistry last night and you came over this morning because you forgot your phone."

"Chemistry? Are you serious?"

"Well excuse me for not having a thousand excuses planned for when someone catches you in my house at times when you most certainly should not be there."

"Are you guys coming?" Cosima was already halfway out the door.

"Yeah, yeah, we're going," Sarah muttered, still not very happy about the explanation._ Me and chemistry. I just hope Cosima believed it._

—-

She barely even managed to walk into school when she was approached by a slightly happier looking Alison. At least she was doing good. Trying her best not to think about Rachel and what she's going to tell her when that topic comes up again, she decided to engage in a conversation. Maybe Alison had better luck than she did today.

"So, how's it going?"

"Pretty well, actually," Alison did seem to feel much better than she did when Sarah left her house the day before. " I thought a lot about what you said. It really did help me."

"What did you decide?"

Maybe that was not the best question she could ask. Alison's reaction strongly indicated the decision making was going to have to wait. She didn't respond for a while, instead she looked down, staring at the floor like it was the most interesting thing in the world. Her seemingly good mood was just an act and a bad one, since she managed to uphold it for all five seconds. She wasn't doing as good as she wanted to appear.

"Alison-"

"No," Alison interrupted, quickly turning her attention back to Sarah. "I'm fine. It's fine."

Sarah sighed, grabbing Alison's wrist and leading her out of the crowded hallway. She didn't stop until they were outside the school. Alison followed her without any protests. As soon as they reached a place with no other people around, Sarah let go and looked at her friend, concerned.

"Alison, it's alright."

"No, you don't understand, it's not-"

"It is. It's perfectly normal to be scared," Sarah tried to reassure her, pushing away the thoughts about how that advice fit perfectly in her situation with Rachel. It's what the last person she really cared about told her. It's alright to be scared. Everyone is scared, right? They get over it, sooner or later, Sarah didn't reach that point yet and she was wondering if she ever will. But now it was time to help Alison. The conversation from yesterday had to be temporarily forgotten. "You just realized something important about yourself. No one is expecting you to immediately wrap yourself in a rainbow flag and go to the pride parade. So you like a girl. Not a big deal. It happens to people all the time. More often than you'd think."

Alison stared at her, her bottom lip wobbling like she was about to cry.

"It's fine. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. You take as much time as you need to come to terms with it, yeah?"

Sarah was startled by Alison's sudden movement. She lunged forward and enveloped her in a tight hug. Sarah just stood there awkwardly for a second before hesitantly putting her hands on Alison's back. Dealing with feelings wasn't really her area of expertise but somehow she managed to find the right words when she realized how much Alison needed them.

"It's okay," she patted her on the shoulder. "You're okay."

They stayed like that for a moment before pulling away. Alison looked like she was going to start crying any second now, but she was also smiling.

"Thank you, Sarah. You're a really good friend, you know?"

Sarah gave her a small smile. "Yeah. I try."

—-

For the rest of the day Sarah couldn't concentrate on anything. Every time she attempted to actually listen at least a little to what the teacher is saying her thoughts drifted off towards Rachel.  
They almost never talked in school so she was safe for a few hours, but what was she going to do when Rachel tells her to come over? And she will, sooner or later.  
This whole situation felt really surreal. She never thought she'd see the day Rachel will want something more from their, relationship? She inwardly cringed at that word. She had boyfriends in the past, but every time it was starting to get serious, she got scared and backed away. Being _together_ together with another person, fully committing to them - it was not a pleasant perspective.  
Maybe it was the feeling of giving away her freedom was the thing stopping her. Maybe she never met anyone she cared about enough to want this?

But that wasn't true. There was one person, one guy she was ready to do anything for. He was her first love and the last person she was in a relationship with.

It failed. She was not strong enough, not brave enough. She loved him, she was sure of that. But still she couldn't bring herself to stay.

If she was going to be honest with herself, she did like Rachel and she cared about her. One doesn't climb big ass trees and risk losing a limb for just anyone. She liked spending time with her, it was easy when she knew there was no strings attached. They bickered a lot and rarely ever agreed, but they had a lot of fun together. And what surprised her the most, it wasn't always physical. Sometimes she was just spending nights at Rachel's home just watching crappy reality tv shows, listening to Rachel's commentary on how absolutely idiotic everything in it was. There were all those little things that she enjoyed when she knew it wasn't anything, that Rachel didn't expect anything from her. Now when she thought about it, they all seemed to have a new meaning and it was driving her crazy.

Walking out of the school Sarah turned off her phone. She got into her car and drove away, passing Rachel's house, then her own, not stopping until she found herself on a familiar street.  
She took a few deep breaths and got out.

Walking towards this apartment she remembered the last time she was there. 'I can't do this' was the last thing she ever said here. Then she was gone, just like that. She didn't come back again.

Stopping in front of the door she hesitated. _What am I even doing here?_

Maybe it was a stupid idea. Maybe she should just turn around and go home right now. Maybe leaving while she still could was the responsible thing to do.

Even if she wanted to change her mind, it was too late now. The door opened.

"I- uh," There were not many people Sarah couldn't find words around. This man was one of them. "Hey, Cal. Going out?"

His face was emotionless. "Apparently not anymore. What are you doing here?"

From the way he said it though it was safe to assume he was definitely not very happy to see her.

"Can I come in?" Before she could stop herself the words flew out of her mouth.

She didn't expect him to say yes. She was fully prepared to be told to go to hell. She was waiting for it.

It didn't happen.

"Yeah," He agreed. _He actually agreed_. "You can."

They sat in Cal's kitchen, neither of them really wanting to speak. After what happened between them and how it ended, Sarah didn't blame him for not being up for a chat.

"Remember when you said you would wait for me?" She didn't look at him. She didn't want to see the expression on his face. "And then you didn't."

"Sarah…" He sighed. "I waited for months. I couldn't be your secret boyfriend forever."

"I was young. And terrified. I ran."

"It's been six months, you're still young. And clearly, still terrified. If you weren't you wouldn't be here."

As usual, he was right.

"I understand if you hate me, you have the right to."

He shook his head. "I don't hate you, Sarah."

"Why?"

"I loved you. When you left I was hurt, angry. But I never hated you."

"Do you think there's something wrong with me? That I'm unable to maintain a relationship with another person?"

He didn't have an answer for that.

Frowning, Sarah got up from the chair and quickly walked over to where he was sitting. Still not making eye contact, she climbed on his lap, brushing her lips against his. First gently, then getting more forceful when she felt him responding.

Kissing Cal was so much different that kissing Rachel. His beard scratched her chin, his hands were too big and rough, not soft and delicate like Rachel's. He was less aggressive than her, holding her gently, carefully, as if she was made of glass. He didn't cling to her like Rachel did, holding on for dear life. He was tall, it was obvious even when he was sitting down, his body didn't fit it perfectly with hers.

It was not right. He was her first love and she used to think he was perfect for her. But now there was something missing.

He wasn't her.

She felt like someone just splashed her with a bucket of cold water. She instantly pulled away and finally gathered the courage to look him in the eyes. What she saw there surprised her. It was understanding.

"It's a mistake."

"Yeah," she nodded. "It's a mistake. I'm sorry Cal."

"I'm sorry too."

She got off his lap and walked towards the chair she was sitting on before to get her jacket. "I'll go."

"That's a good idea," he nodded. "And Sarah?"

"Yeah?"

"Please, don't ever come back again."

—-

Sarah sat in her car trying to process what just happened. What she did. Kissing Cal made her realize that her life was different now. Her feelings were different. Maybe seeing Cal was the push she needed.

She was still scared but she couldn't run away forever. It was time. Taking out her cell phone she dialled the number she knew by heart.

"Hey, Rachel. Can I come over?"


	3. Chapter 3

Knowing that Rachel's parents weren't home, Sarah quickly rang the doorbell twice before unceremoniously opening them and ending up face to face with a slightly surprised Rachel. She really should have gotten used to that by now, she barges into the house constantly.  
_This is… really distressing._

"Hey." Was all she managed to say, all of the words she was planning in her head while she was driving disappeared.

"Hello, Sarah." Rachel seemed concerned but she didn't say anything for what Sarah was very thankful. She had to get it all out herself and she didn't need anyone rushing her. This was one of the greatest things about Rachel, she never questioned her strange behavior. She just waited for Sarah to explain it herself. She wasn't sure if it would have worked with anyone else but there was something about Rachel that made her_ want_ to talk to her. She was just always there, supportive but not prying.

It was also one of the reasons she had to do this now.

"What I'm about to say," she started, realizing her voice was slightly shaking. "Is very hard for me and I need to you be quiet and listen, okay?"

Seeing Rachel nod she took a big breath and tried to gather the courage not to just run back out to her car and drive away as far as she could.

"I'm scared. You asked me where this is going and I got so scared. I have no idea where will we end up I a year, but I really like our relationship as it is now. I like you. And I don't want it to end just because I was too much of a coward to say anything. So yeah. I will try if that's what you want."

"No, Sarah," Rachel sighed, reaching out to take her hand. "It's about what _you_ want, too. If you don't want to put a label on it right now, that's okay. I just wanted to know how you feel."

"I want you. I want to be your girlfriend, just… forgive me if I'll be fucking up, okay? I don't know how to do this but I'll try."

Rachel's happy face assured her that she made the right decision.

"Okay, that's enough sincere human emotions for one day, huh?"

"Yes, I agree," Rachel nodded. "Any more and you might explode."

Sarah smiled. "Do you want to watch TV and make out?"

The next day Sarah realized that her confession really didn't make things any different. She said the word 'girlfriend' and the world didn't end. She wasn't sure what she expected, but she wasn't going to complain. Things turned out pretty well after all. She just hoped it would stay that way.

The powers that be weren't as kind to Alison though. She was still struggling, trying to accept this new information about herself. Sarah couldn't blame her, she was in no way prepared for something like that. She was nothing like Sarah who never even thought much about the fact that she's attracted to both genders, it was just how she was. Alison's family was not exactly friendly towards different sexual orientations and she never thought she could be anything other than straight.  
She seemed to be doing much better now though. She sat at the cafeteria table, talking and joking with the others.

Joining her friends at the table Sarah looked at Helena who held out a small cup of jello, motioning for her to take it.

"Thanks," she muttered, grabbing the jello and putting it down next to her plate. Helena meant well but there was just no way to explain to her that not everyone lives on that stuff. She probably had a lot more of those in her bag, she got in trouble for eating in class all the time.

Suddenly feeling a foreign object unexpectedly touch her leg she jumped up slightly. She was about to check what dared to disrupt her lunch break when she noticed Rachel who was sitting opposite her smile mischievously. Sarah narrowed her eyes.  
The foreign object was no object, but a foot. Rachel's foot, sliding up and down her leg. _What the hell is she doing, we're in the middle of the cafeteria._  
But maybe that was one of the good things about finally deciding they're gonna stick with each other. They don't have to hide with this anymore and if someone has a problem with it they can go fuck themselves. Sarah slowly smiled back, still staring at Rachel.  
The sound of Cosima loudly clearing her throat broke their little moment. Sarah turned to glare at her.

"What?"

"What is it with you two today?" Cosima raised her eyebrows.

Rachel looked at Sarah, then at Cosima, then back at Sarah again. She didn't say anything. She was leaving it up to Sarah to decide what to tell their friends. She was trying to make her feel comfortable and Sarah wondered why didn't she ever notice how considerate she is. It's not a trait one would expect from Rachel Duncan.

"We like each other now," Sarah grinned at Rachel. She was not quite ready to reveal the nature of their relationship to everyone just yet, but she wasn't going to deny that something was there. A good something. "Deal with it."

Helena looked up from her cup of jello to closely inspect Rachel's face, trying to determine whether she's trustworthy. Helena might not be the sharpest tool in the shed but she's very intuitive and a good judge of character. Besides, she's Sarah's sister. It's important that the family likes her girlfriend, even if they don't know she's the girlfriend yet.  
Helena apparently deemed Rachel acceptable because she hummed approvingly and turned her attention back to food.

Cosima shrugged. "Yeah, sure, okay." But she didn't look entirely happy with the answer.

Alison didn't say anything, she just smiled at Sarah and… discreetly gave her a thumbs up? _That was strange._

Before she could react in any way she spotted Elizabeth Childs walking towards their table, eyes glued to Alison. _Well, here it goes again._ Sarah rolled her eyes. Those two were hopeless.  
Alison probably noticed her staring at someone behind her because she turned to see what was so interesting. For a moment Beth looked like a deer in highlights, a little embarrassed at being caught staring. Alison hesitantly raised her hand and waved, causing Beth to smile brightly before ungracefully tripping over her own feet and falling right into the poor girl's lap.  
_Here comes the great football star who can't even walk when Alison is near. That's both cute and pathetic._

"Hi." Beth looked up at Alison whose face was so red she easily could move to London and become a phone booth.

"Hi."

At this point every single person at the table, even Helena, was staring at them. Sarah decided it was time to intervene.

"Hey, Childs!" She gave Beth a strong pat on the back. "Didn't you eat your breakfast today or something? If you play like that at the next game then I don't see a bright future for your team."

"Hey!" Beth was immediately up. "Excuse me, I was just about to eat when _someone_ so rudely interrupted me with her unnecessary comments."

"I think it's more like your walking was interrupted by your feet malfunctioning." Sarah motioned at the chair next to Alison. "Sit your ass down before you fall again."

Beth glared at her but she did sit down. "I'm not doing that because you told me to. I'm doing it because I want to talk to Alison."

Alison just now finishing processing what happened in the last few minutes put her hand on Beth's shoulder to calm her down. She looked at Sarah, smiling gratefully. She noticed what she did and was thankful for the quick reaction. "What did you want to talk about?"

"Uh, I was actually hoping I could talk to you in private? I wanted to ask you something."

_Uh oh. Oh well. Hendrix, you're on your own now._

"Really?" Alison bit her lip, looking around for any kind of excuse. "It's just, I-"

"It will only take a minute. I promise."

Alison seemed to quickly go through what looked like an intense internal struggle before agreeing. "Fine. But I really don't have much time."

They stood up and walked far enough for Sarah to not be able to hear them and openly observing them would be too obvious. She glanced at the people sitting at the table. Helena was still eating her jello, Cosima was explaining something to Rachel who nodded every now and then, her eyes were not focused on her friend but trying to stare into Sarah's soul instead. When she noticed that Sarah is looking back at her she raised her eyebrows. Sarah frowned._ What the hell is that about?_

"Hey!" Cosima waved a hand in front of Rachel's face. "Are you two at it again?"

"We're not doing anything wrong," Sarah instantly felt the need to defend herself. "We're literally not even doing anything."

"It's the weird staring!" Cosima waved her hands to emphasize her point. "It's creepy."

"I'm not creepy. She is, a little." Sarah's laughed at Rachel's quiet noise of displeasure with the accusation. "You so are. Especially when you just stand in front of a window and stare for an hour. It's just weird."

"That's alright, Sarah. I wouldn't expect understanding from someone who thinks watching moronic cartoon about a living sponge is enormously entertaining."

"It's funny, okay?"

"If you say so."

"You're both weird." Cosima interrupted, eyeing them suspiciously but didn't get the chance to say anything else because Alison was back. Alone. Out of the corner of her eye Sarah noticed Beth retreating towards the table usually occupied by her friends.

"Hey. Sarah. Can I have a word with you?"

There was that look from Rachel again. It definitely meant something but Sarah could not figure out what, no matter how hard she thought about it. "Uh, yeah." She stood up, still looking at the blonde who turned away to continue her previous conversation with Cosima.

"Come on," Alison grabbed her wrist and lead her away from the table. "What are you doing tomorrow night?"

"I… don't know yet?"

"Great, we have plans."

"Excuse me?" Sarah was confused and honestly a little annoyed since she didn't get a chance to eat anything yet and the lunch break was ending soon.

"We're kind of going on a double date? Okay so get ready we're going out at 8 dress appropriately bye." Alison attempted to run away as quickly as she could but she was stopped by Sarah's firm hold on her sleeve.

"Hey, that's my favorite sweater, you're going to stretch it!"

"Not so fast, Hendrix," Sarah scowled. "Explain."

"Alright, alright. Just… let go of my sleeve first?"

Sarah grunted something inaudible (it was probably better this way) in response but begrudgingly complied. "Talk."

"Beth asked me out. I really wanted to say yes but I got scared. So I made it a double date, so it won't be so… terrifying, when there will be more people there? And you're the only person who knows about… all this," She pointed at herself. "My newfound gayness."

"Sorry to burst your bubble, but you'll be going on a date with a girl in a public place," Sarah crossed her arms, still not very pleased. "Soon I won't be the only one."

"Yes, I know," Alison nodded. "But you're the one that can help me. What if I panic? What if I don't know what to do?"

"You're going to be fine."

"And what if I'm not? Just consider this, okay?"

Sarah slightly turned away, trying her best to ignore the puppy eyes. _Don'give indon'tgiveinnDon't-_

"Okay. I'll think about it."

"Thank you, Sarah, you are a wonderful person and you will go far in life." Alison grinned.

"Yeah, well, I'm pretty great. But if I'm going to do this, I will need a date."

"How about you take Rachel?"

Sarah almost stopped breathing for a second. Now that this was a real possibility she was realizing maybe she's not as comfortable with it as she wanted to be. "R-rachel? Why would I take Rachel, on a date? She's boring and she smells like a car air freshener."

"Come on. When you live in the suburbs you learn to pick up on things. I have good instincts and I know how to read people."

Sarah gave her a sympathetic smile. "Except Beth."

"Yes," Alison sighed. "Except Beth."


	4. Chapter 4

Sarah stared at herself in the mirror, wondering if she was dressed appropriately enough for the restaurant Rachel picked. She never even noticed when she started worrying about things like that. _Must be Rachel rubbing off on me._

Rachel agreed to go only on one condition - she gets to decide where they eat, Alison happily let her, she was too terrified to plan anything.

It was obvious she was going to choose some ridiculously pretentious place but Sarah was ready to make that sacrifice. She just hoped the money she won at the poker game last weekend would be enough to pay for that since it was currently her only source of income.

When she told Rachel about the double date her reaction was not exactly what she expected but it wasn't an enthusiastic yes. She thought it was a little too soon since they established the status of their relationship not that long ago. Sarah was actually a little relieved to hear that, it meant that Rachel wasn't that much more ready for it than she was. Also it was going to be their first real date and 'babysitting the beginner homosexuals' was not her dream scenario. Sarah promised to make it up to her and she will. She just needs to survive tonight first.

Driving to Rachel's house seemed to take ages and Sarah was getting more uncomfortable with every minute. She knew the way well, she was used to driving there at least three times a week. But somehow this time felt weird, different. She knew she had to get over it sooner or later though. And maybe if she did sooner she might even enjoy herself a little. Maybe Rachel will show that she has a soul and not put her through anything too horrible.

When she finally arrived there was a surprise waiting on her. Rachel was already out on the front porch, impatiently pacing back and forth.

She did not look ready to go to a fancy restaurant at all.

She was wearing jeans, a t-shirt and a jacket, obviously she still looked great and Sarah was not distracted enough by her confusion to not appreciate that. She liked it when Rachel dressed casual, she immediately looked more relaxed. Every giant nerd deserves a break sometimes. _And she's my giant nerd._

"Hey."

"Hey," Without offering her any explanation Rachel started walking towards the car. "You look nice."

"Uh, thanks," Sarah nodded, opening the door for her. "You too."

"And where are we going anyway?" She added once the blonde was already inside, realizing that she has no idea what those three have planned.

"First, we're seeing a movie. Then we'll eat, but don't worry about that right now. And no, you're not under dressed." Rachel stated, putting on her seatbelt.

"Did you really call them and just take care of everything?"

"Yes." _Of course_. What did she expect? It was Rachel, obviously she had to be in control of every thing she did. It's not that Sarah even minded that much because she was pretty pleased with not having to do any of that herself. It was about maintaining her independence.

"Can you next time please tell me so we can pretend I still have a say in what we do?"

"I thought you hated planning."

_Damn it._

"I do. Just… do it, okay? I don't like it when people speak for me."

Surprisingly, Rachel just nodded.

"Okay."

That was… going way too easy, wasn't it? The relationship thing. Sarah expected something much more complicated, she expected to feel like someone is holding her back, keeping her on lockdown. That's how it always felt like when things were starting to get serious. Was it Rachel or was it her growing up?

How much can a person grow up in a six months, could she change just like that? She would never become the perfect girlfriend, but it didn't feel like Rachel was expecting her to.

When they arrived at the movie theater, Beth and Alison were already waiting outside. They both looked a little nervous, sneaking glances at each other when they thought the other wasn't looking. Awkwardly trying to maintain a conversation, they seemed like a pair of middle school kids forced to sit next to each other by a teacher. Not talking, but not not talking either. Just a sentence every now and then. Beth did ask Alison out, but she clearly had no idea what to do next. _Guess she didn't think that far._

Sarah hoped they would get more comfortable with time, otherwise it would be a one huge disaster and time wasted for all of them.

She never had any troubles on dates, but then again they weren't really traditional ones, they probably were not dates at all. More like casual meetings. She had also never asked anyone out, ever. She couldn't possibly imagine what they were going through.

The way she felt about going out with Rachel was different. She did have doubts at first, a lot of them. But sitting in her car, she realized it's not that different from what they usually do. Watch movies, eat food. They spent so much time together, not in public of course, but she was comfortable in her company and she didn't have any of the horrible _will she like me_ thoughts running through her head.

Poor Alison. She went out with boys before but it was her first time with a girl and she appeared to be terrified. She agreed though, so she did come to terms with it on some level, but she was still pretty tense and it showed.

Beth probably didn't notice it. She wasn't too confident about this either.

_God, Beth, don't fuck it up_.

Alison would have a hard time recovering from this and the last thing Sarah wanted was to see her friend get hurt.

"Sarah," She felt Rachel nudge her with her elbow. "Get out of the car."

"Huh?"

"You've been staring out the window for five minutes. Didn't you hear me calling your name?"

"Sorry," Sarah smiled sheepishly. "I got lost in my thoughts. Let's go."

She opened the car door and headed towards their friends.

Greeting them she noticed Alison seemed relieved. She wasn't ready to be alone with Beth and now Sarah could see why she wanted some company.

They entered the movie theater.

"So, what movie are we seeing?"

"Well, there's this great romantic comedy that I've been wanting to watch for a while," Alison started, looking at their faces and trying to figure out what is their opinion about that idea.

Beth immediately nodded, staring at Alison with a big smile.

"Yeah. I think that's a good choice," She turned to Sarah and Rachel. "What do you guys think?"

Sarah looked at Rachel. Rachel looked back at Sarah. Neither of them liked romantic comedies much, but she noticed Rachel eyeing a poster of some weird foreign documentary before and that was something she wouldn't do, even for her. After a moment to think it over, she shrugged.

„That's fine."

Rachel nodded. „I'm okay with that."

„You are?"

„Yes." And once she made sure neither Alison or Beth are listening, she added. „I want to see how far this one's devotion goes. She probably doesn't think I noticed but I'm pretty sure she'd much rather see The Avengers."

„Aw, Duncan, and here I was thinking you've gone soft," Sarah grinned. „Here's my insensitive mean girl."

When Alison and Rachel went to get the tickets, Sarah and Beth were left with the duty of getting snacks.

They stood in the line, Beth trying to figure out what would Alison like and Sarah impatiently glaring at the cashier.

"Childs." she hissed, causing Beth to jump up slightly in surprise. The girl turned around.

"What?"

Sarah stepped into her personal space, briefly checking if Alison is not anywhere around.

"I'm just gonna say this once and you're gonna remember it."

Beth didn't respond but she appeared to be listening. _Good._

"If you even do as much as _think _about hurting my friend. I. Will. Find. You. And you don't want to know what will happen to you once I do." She patted Beth on the shoulder. "So let's hope you never have to find out."

Smiling widely she stepped back.

"Good talk."

"Yeah," Beth slowly nodded. "Great one."

But before Sarah could say anything else she realized Beth had something more to say.

"Sarah, I know that you care about Alison. But I care about her too. I would never do anything to hurt her." She bit her lip nervously, not breaking eye contact with Sarah though. "I really like her, you know? And I've been trying to ask her out for a while now. I'm so happy she agreed."

"Beth," Sarah sighed. "I think you're okay. You're so much better for her than that douchebag Donnie. But this doesn't change anything, you hurt her, I punch you in the face. Now go over there, hold her hand, open the door for her and be the best date she's ever had. She deserves to be treated right and I have a feeling you may be the person who will. Just be careful, okay?"

"I will." Beth frowned. "Donnie? That little idiot, well I do hope you think I'm better than him. He has the personality of a carrot on a bad crop year."

"I know, right?"

Alison and Rachel spent several really awkward minutes not speaking to each other before they finally all headed to their seats. Alison and Beth were sharing a large bag of popcorn. Sarah knew Rachel wouldn't like to do the same, popcorn was 'disgusting' and 'messy'. She got them some sour candy and milk duds.

Once they were sitting in the dark, Sarah finally felt completely relaxed. It really wasn't any different from all the times she and Rachel just stayed in and watched tv.

She turned to look at Rachel. The blonde was staring at the screen, from her expression it was obvious she was convinced the film was not good enough for her to be watching and she was probably calling the directors degrading names in her head.

Sarah smiled. It really should not be cute. She reached out to hold her hand but Rachel gave her the candy instead.

Beth on the other hand seemed like she was about to have a heart attack. Alison was watching the movie and Beth was watching Alison, trying to figure out what to do now. Finally she decided to put her arm around her. Alison sighed happily and leaned into Beth whose face turned bright red and she fidgeted nervously, almost spilling her drink. Alison looked up at her and whispered something. Beth smiled and whispered something back and it was very cute until an old man sitting behind them told them to be quiet.

Sarah made herself comfortable and turned her attention to the movie. That double date bullshit wasn't such a bad thing after all.

After the movie they all stumbled out of the movie theater, Alison loudly discussing the plot with Rachel, Beth holding her hand and nodding, pretending she actually paid attention to the movie and not stared at her with a dorky grin the whole time.

Turns out the super fancy place Rachel picked was actually a small diner across the street, which explained her choice of clothing.

They walked in and chose a booth next to the window, because Rachel refused to sit anywhere else. _What is with that girl and windows, I'll never understand._

Sarah wrapped an arm around her waist and placed a kiss on her cheek.

"I've seen a lot of your quirks during the past months but this obsession with windows is just freaky." She laughed at Rachel who was trying to squirm out of her embrace.

"Sarah?"

That voice. It couldn't be? _No. Not now._

Sarah looked up and there he was. Cal.

_Fuck fuck fuck. Now he's a waiter?!_

"I can't believe you, Sarah. You've got some nerve."

"Cal, it's really not the place to-"

"Oh, no you don't. I told you to stay out of my life. But of course, Sarah Manning always does what she wants." He went into the full rant mode and Sarah knew he wasn't going to stop until he decided he was done, even if it was going to get him fired.

"Don't give me that look," He shook his head, frowning. "You come back into my life, barge into my home, you kiss me? And then you leave again, just to come back a few days after and flaunt your new relationship in my face."

"Cal…"

"I can't do this. Another waiter will come to take your order."

He turned around and walked away. Sarah could see him talking to another guy in a waiter apron who nodded and took out his notepad.

Sarah turned back to look at her friends. Beth and Alison were avoiding eye contact, definitely feeling awkward witnessing that. Rachel was looking at her. But there was something different about her, in a few seconds she turned back into the cold, distant bitch Sarah hated to deal with months ago. Her walls went back up.

"Rachel."

"Don't."

Alison and Beth exchanged a look and Beth spoke.

"It's kinda getting late actually. Me and Ali, we're gonna go."

"Yes," Alison added, fidgeting in her seat. "I promised Beth I'll explain her this one thing she didn't get in English class."

"You guys know me, so bad at English." Beth smiled nervously and a few seconds later they were hurriedly walking to Beth's car, still holding hands.

Sarah was left alone with Rachel, who still refused to speak.

"Rachel." She tried again.

"I'm not doing this, Sarah."

She slowly started to get up.

"Wait, just wait a minute."

"This doesn't require further discussion." Rachel's stare was cold and Sarah knew she fucked up. Really fucked up.

"Will you let me say _anything _in my defense?"

"No." Rachel's expression was emotionless. "Not right now. I will call you."

And she just left, she walked away. Sarah knew it was serious. They came here together, what is she going to do, walk home? Was that how bad she couldn't stand her company right now?

Finally she noticed the very uncomfortable waiter standing next to the booth, clutching his notepad.

"Can I get you anything?" he offered.

Sarah sat alone in the booth, staring at the empty space where Rachel was just a few minutes ago.

"No, thanks." She shook her head. "I was about to leave anyway."


	5. Chapter 5

Rachel hasn't spoken to her in five days. It was probably the longest they went without talking, at least since they started their… thing. Sarah did as asked, she waited for Rachel to give her a sign that she's ready to talk. She gave her space, as much space as she wanted. Stayed away from her, no matter how much she just wanted to grab her and force her to listen to her explanations. It did not seem to be working.

"I knew it, I just knew there was something going on," Cosima grinned at her from the doorway, holding a ridiculous amount of pizza boxes.

"Didn't you go a little overboard on the pizza?" Asked Beth who, since the whole double date disaster, became a part of their group. She and Alison were practically attached at the hip.

"I've seen you eat, Childs, I'm sure we won't have any problems there." Sarah laughed which earned her a pillow in the face from the football star.

"Settle down, children," Cosima put down the pizza and jumped on the couch next to Alison who climbed on Beth's lap to give her space to sit. "Anyway," She turned to Sarah. "Let me get this straight. You actually went to Cal's place, made out with him and half an hour later you were declaring your undying love to Rachel."

"Well, not exactly." Sarah said, at the same time when Alison said.

"Yes, pretty much."

And Beth muttered.

"I don't think that's how it happened."

"Okay, thank you for your input, all of you Sarahs." Cosima reached for a slice of pizza.

"Since when are you the gay Yoda anyway?"

"You asked for my advice, remember?"

"Yeah, yeah," Sarah grumbled, hugging the pillow Beth threw at her. "So, what do you propose I do? She won't talk to me."

Cosima swallowed the bite of pizza she was chewing and sighed.

"I am Rachel's friend and honestly I completely understand why she doesn't want to see you," She held up a hand to stop Sarah from interrupting. "But, I am also your friend. And during the last months Rachel looked… happier."

"Will you help?"

Cosima slowly nodded.

"Yeah. I'll try."

But a week later nothing has changed. Every time Sarah asked Cosima about it, the only response she got was _she's not ready._

But will she ever be ready? No amount of convincing her to hear Sarah out from Cosima was actually helping. Sarah was realizing that she probably really hurt Rachel, she wasn't thinking clearly when she went to Cal's place, she was terrified. She didn't think about how her actions could affect Rachel because she was sure she'd never find out.

What she doesn't know won't hurt her, right? As it turns out, that doesn't make it okay. She didn't really care enough about people to feel guilty about leaving some stuff out.

With Rachel it was different though and now the guilt was bothering her like never before.

It wasn't only the guilt, she realized she genuinely missed that blonde nerd. As weird as it was, she missed hanging out with her. She missed being called names. Even the arguing.

It hurt every time she saw her passing through the halls, not giving her the time of day. Like their relationship (she wasn't afraid to use that word anymore) never even existed in the first place.

She didn't sit with them at lunch anymore.

Now there was an empty chair and Sarah could only stare at the spot where Rachel sat, feeling like someone just punched her in the stomach.

"Are you alright?" Asked Alison. She was worried, Sarah could see that. Alison always worried about everyone, it was just the kind of person she was.

"Yeah," Sarah nodded. "Fine."

"You're not fine," Cosima pointed at her plate. "You're not eating."

"I'm not hungry."

"Manning, you have to eat. You won't have the energy to be annoying as always."

Even Beth was concerned. And Sarah wished they would finally leave her alone.

Helena pushed a cup of jello towards her with a hopeful expression.

"Thanks, meathead." She smiled faintly at her sister.

"Sarah." Alison stated firmly. "You're going out with us after school."

Sarah blinked. "I'm sorry, let me check my calendar." She mimicked opening a notebook. "Oh, I apologize, I have a tight schedule this week. Can't make it."

"You're going out, Manning."

"You can't just wallow in self pity all afternoon again." Added Cosima.

"Watch me." She got up from the chair and grabbed her bag. "I'll see you guys later."

She ended up hanging out with them anyway. Those little shits were persistent and she didn't feel like putting up a fight. She was tired.

They all sat on a blanket in the park (a picnic – _Alison's idea_). Beth with Alison on her lap, of course. They were like conjoined twins now. Helena, delighted because she was surrounded by food. Cosima and some french girl. Sarah had no idea where she came from. Cosima probably explained it at some point but well, the only thing on Sarah's mind lately was Rachel.

"-so, I finally got her the truffles I promised." The french girl finished telling some surely very fascinating story.

Cosima stared at her with a dorky smile, holding her hand. _Ugh, happy couples. Ew._

Sarah thought, immediately frowning. _Did I just become one of THOSE people?_

But she couldn't help it. Every time she saw Alison kiss Beth's cheek or Cosima cuddle with blondie over there, she was reminded of her girl.

Was she even her girl anymore?

_Okay, this has got to stop. I'm pathetic._

"Cos, can I borrow your phone for a second?"

"Uh, yeah. Sure." Cosima handed her the phone with a suspicious expression.

"Thanks."

Sarah honestly wasn't sure if it was such a great idea, but she didn't really care at this point. She needed to see Rachel, for her own sanity.

She chose a new text message.

_**Hey, we're hanging out at the park. Wanna join?**_

Send.

She sent it.

A few seconds later came the reply.

_**Is Sarah there?**_

For a moment she thought about telling the truth. Lying again wouldn't be a great start, but without the lie she wouldn't even get one. Rachel would not come.

_**No, she's not.**_

She smiled when she saw Rachel's response.

_**Fine. I'll be there shortly.**_

"Thanks again." She gave Cosima the phone back. "I owe you one."

"Oh no," Cosima sighed, recognizing the expression on Sarah's face. "What did you do?"

"Well," She started. "Don't get mad, okay?"

"I promise nothing."

"I kinda texted Rachel to come here." She bit her lip nervously. "And she agreed."

"What the hell, Sarah?" Cosima scowled. "Did she know it was you?"

Sarah rolled her eyes. "If I wanted her to know it was me I would have used my own phone, Cos."

"Sarah…" Alison seemed worried again. "Are you sure it's a good idea?"

"Yeah, Sarah." Cosima didn't look happy. "Are you sure?"

"Guys," It was Beth who spoke up. "I think it's good."

They all turned to look at her. Cosima with surprise, Alison a little confused. The french girl looked at Beth too. Sarah wondered if she even had any idea what was going on. _I've got to figure out her name eventually or Cosima will be pissed._

"I mean, she's been brooding for such a long time, she hasn't insulted anyone in days. She's upset."

Who would have thought that one day Beth Childs would be the one to defend her? Of course, painting a very sad picture of a heartbroken idiot but defending nevertheless.

"I think she should try talking to Rachel. It'll be good for both of them."

"And pray tell, what will be so great, Elizabeth?"

Rachel. Rachel is here.

Sarah immediately looked up. Rachel stood there with her usual superior expression.

"Rachel."

"I was told she won't be here." Rachel turned to Cosima. "I think it's safe to assume you were not the one who invited me."

"No." Cosima shook her head. "It was Sarah."

It was the first time in days that Rachel actually acknowledged her existence. She got up and walked up to her, trying to find the right words but coming up with nothing. Rachel usually had that effect on her, only this time it was crucial that she doesn't say anything stupid and fuck it up all over again.

"We need to talk."

"No, I don't think we do."

Rachel wasn't looking at her anymore.

"Yes. We do." Sarah tried to maintain a safe distance. She didn't want to scare her off. "It's been two weeks."

"I'm aware of the passage of time."

"Just… hear me out? If you still won't want to talk to me afterwards, I won't insist."

It was not the right thing and Rachel was walking away. She was leaving and there was nothing Sarah could do about it. Acting on impulse she just started running after her. It wasn't hard to catch up since Rachel Duncan never runs. It's ungraceful and she doesn't like it. But now that she was so close to her, she had no idea what to do to make her stay. She reached out and grabbed her hand, not caring about boundaries anymore.

"Unhand me." Rachel hissed.

"I won't until you listen to me."

"Not here, Sarah."

She turned to look at Sarah again and for a split second it was just like the old Rachel was back. Even her voice sounded softer.

Then, just as quick as the change appeared it faded away, leaving Sarah with the hostile version of Rachel.

"You can come over tomorrow. Now, let go of me before I change my mind."

Sarah complied without protest. Watching her walk away from her again was difficult, but this time she still had this tiniest bit of hope that maybe not all is lost yet.


End file.
